It’s been awhile since the last post, with three weeks having been taken up with a bloody nose. Coming out the blue, life was suddenly consumed by head held back and endless plugs of tissue paper and cold compresses as my nose bled like it never had before. Don’t we take health for granted; busying ourselves with distractions, until something happens to remind us how fragile and contingent things are.

A fortnight mopping up blood at home, a week in hospital, four blood transfusions, surgery and a week’s convalescence, all left an impression. It’s surprising how lifeless and drained one can feel after losing blood, and how long it takes to regain strength and stamina. The week before last I wondered if I’d lost some vitality for good, if a little youthfulness had been left at the hospital. After all events can suddenly change people. Do we grow older linearly; or can the years years flash by overnight? But it’s also true that setbacks and ill health can be temporary and recovered from.

Post discharge, a week passed by doing very little except enjoying home comforts and cleaning up. The week after that, last week, I worked 36 hours in three days and cycled ten miles to and from work, quite a trial after all the inactivity.

Eighteen months ago I was laid up with a broken wrist. Then I lost weight, but this time the consequences are less tangible. It’s hard to explain, but I’m reminded of the Taoist parable about a sage plunging into a river near where two monks are sitting. The monks fearing he has perished scan the torrent, only to see him emerge on the opposite bank, quite unperturbed. In taoism rivers represent the ever twisting flow and flux of existence, which the sage effortlessly navigated to reach his destination. It’s tantalising to think there’s a way of being that somehow just slots into the rest of existence. Tantalising but unlikely. That said a complete break from everyday life can declutter and give space to that which we’re usually blind to.

Without claiming too much by way of Wu Wei, things feel a bit different, not quite so rushed, more efficient. The next few months will be taken up with a new routine of work and study as Autumn closes in, and that travail and adjustment is to be embraced. It feels good to be here, moving more freely and on top of concerns.

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