Grief is a reaction to loss, whether that’s the loss of a loved one, home, possession, job, friend, status, ability… There are more than a few models of its trajectory, but all agree it takes years to traverse after the trauma and sadness have faded. What they don’t tell you is that grief is a burden, to be carried for the duration of your days. But, that weight can also be an anchor, one that roots you in being and binds you to your true self, that is, if it doesn’t take you down. Through grief our relationships with the deceased and the living can also be enabled. Being haunted by memories that both dim and grow more poignant over the years, enables new perspectives and understanding. In a strange way relationships can be refreshed.

In this phase (rebuilding and healing), the patient experiences a “renewed sense of identity,” which represents overcoming the sense of loss and beginning to feel in control of their destiny. They no longer show signs of depression.

Tyrell, Harberger et al National Library of Medicine

For something that humanity has always known, and which will touch us all, grief seems poorly understood and addressed. It’s hard to say whether that’s because our culture is too preoccupied with youthful consumers, we instinctively avoid pain, or we’ve just forgotten how to do it.

Our ancestors seemed more inclined to engage with death and bereavement; elaborate burials and funeral rituals took time and collective effort. Now, for whatever reason(s), we seem to hide away the end of life and hasten mourning, so much so that after the flowers have wilted the bereaved can quickly find themselves alone.

Physically you feel heavy when the earth element dissolves into water; and when water dissolves into fire you find that the circulation begins to cease functioning. When fire dissolves into air, any feeling of warmth or growth begins to dissolve; and when air dissolves into space you lose the last feeling of contact with the physical world. Finally, when space or consciousness dissolves into the central nāḍī, there is a sense of internal luminosity, an inner glow, when everything has become completely introverted.

Chögyam Trungpa, The Tibetan Book of the Dead: The Great Liberation Through Hearing In The Bardo

Death is certain for one who has been born, and rebirth is inevitable for one who has died. Therefore, you should not lament over the inevitable.

Bhagvada Gita 2:27

Both Hinduism and Buddhism take a longer perspective upon mortality by viewing death not as the final act, but as a necessary step along the way. Beyond heaven and hell, salvation and damnation, this seems one of the more useful contributions from religion: the reassurance that to move on, all things must pass.

Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back,

Gladiator

I’ve known three women who looked after their spouses through the process of dementia and death. Dementia is exceptionally cruel as each day it robs both the sufferer and their loved ones, and adds to the carers’ burden. There’s also little support or respite from the hard work and isolation that it often entails. Things would be better if we embraced death and were collectively more accepting and supportive of those affected?

Embrace change. It’s inevitable for growth. Together we can shift pain into wonder and love, but it is up to us to consciously and intentionally create that connection.

Franz Kafka

The end of life defines our mortality and is our final experience. It’s unique in that although we’ll all succumb, it’s essentially private and unknowable. The traditional rites and rituals that have served humankind through the ages are unlikely to make a comeback, but it could be that in future, technology will contribute to the end of life and mourning. Let’s just not forget to hold a passing hand.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

Second stanza from A dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan poe

Best wishes for the passing year and the coming of the new